They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Genius idea!!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”