ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.