“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
You Might Also Like
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.