Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one