“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
You Might Also Like
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Social Media and Real life
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.