I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick