I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
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not sure why everyone acts like it鈥檚 so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it鈥檚 the cutest
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
How we blocked people in the 90s 馃槃
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it鈥檚 a poodle
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I鈥檓 4 people.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we鈥檙e not like them
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
It鈥檚 probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”