I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
peep davidson
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.