[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You