There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
You Might Also Like
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…