manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…