My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
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Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.