her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.