Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”