They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.