“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.