Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao