No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…