When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.