You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
This has made my week.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I found your tweet-up…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef