-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)