new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me