Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.