*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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In case you needed to hear it:
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
dam girl
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards