48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You Might Also Like
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me