You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
You Might Also Like
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.