WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Happy Friday
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?