A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m just playing devils avocado here
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
What the dentist sees
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.