Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin