My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started