My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I have so many questions.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Lassie, get help!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600