alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
You Might Also Like
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.