Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Flock of bats
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.