Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
looks legit
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I hate when that happens.