My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
You Might Also Like
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat