The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.