I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
honestly, i need both:
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
this isn’t threatening at all
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.