I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.