I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can鈥檛 find it.
I鈥檓 not saying I don鈥檛 miss my kids while I鈥檓 at work but it鈥檚 nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I鈥檓 there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Finally
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
This is my emotional support yacht 馃巰
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
War & Peace
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
馃彊馃懆馃徏
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“No way.” -Jose
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run