So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up