Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Breaking news:
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor