Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month