me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.