before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?