my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.