No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Tuesday
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…