Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad