Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
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My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.