Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.