Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.